Thursday, July 23, 2015

5 Arrested In Math Lab Bust

By James J. Hamilton
LAUREL COUNTY—The Laurel County Sheriff made the following statement to reporters:

"Neighbors been complainin bout multiplication and long division goin on round that house awhile, but nothin really come of it. However when we got wind they was doin trigonometry and multivariable calculus up in there, we called the SWAT Team straightaway and put a stop to it. Can't have that type a thing goin on same neighborhood as our children play in. You wouldn't believe the stuff we pulled outta there. Compasses, protractors, reams upon reams of graphing paper, more calculators than a man could count. Posters of Einstein all over the place. Down the basement there was a box may or may not've had a dead cat in it. We're still fuzzy on that. Arrested five people. One of em had equations writ all across his bedroom wall. When we threw him in the squad car he kept hollerin something bout fractal dimensions. Anothern had done put the quadratic formula into a TI-83 graphing calculator. Thing didn't come preprogrammed with it, he just figured out how to do it and programmed it in there hisself, for no good goddamned reason I can deduce. That's the level of depravity we're dealin with."

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Meet The 6 Men Your Mom Has Cheated On Your Dad With

By James J. Hamilton

1. David
Your mom had sex with David in 1999 when she and your dad were going through a rough patch. She was staying at the Marriott near the airport to get some space when this handsome, silver-haired stud offered to buy her a drink at the hotel bar. The rest is history. A Pepsi Bottling Group Sales Representative from Cincinnati, David was in the middle of a messy divorce at the time and the passionate night he shared with your mom was exactly what both of them needed. Since banging your mom, David has been promoted to Regional Sales Manager and has gone on to bang nearly a dozen other moms.

2. Steve
You may think it only happens in porno movies, but one steamy night back in August 2006 while your dad was out of town on business, your mom made the pizza delivery boy into a pizza delivery man. Your mom was sure your dad was cheating on her and thought, "That piece of shit I married is probably fucking a hooker in San Diego right now, so I might as well drink a box of wine and get some sausage delivered right to my door." Steve, who delivered pizza as a summer job during college, is now a software programmer with a wife and two kids. He reported that your mom's unexpected invitation to bang remains the single greatest experience of his life, far surpassing the birth of his children. 

3 & 4. Derek & Chad
In case you were wondering, yes, your mom has been with two guys at the same time and, no, she's not the least bit ashamed of it. You should honestly give your mom props for this one. You know she's still got the goods if, at her age, she can pull a couple of Grade A pieces of man-meat like Derek and Chad. Look, I'm not saying your mom got Eiffel-Towered or anything... Okay, maybe I am. No lie, your mom got legit Eiffel-Towered by these dudes and she still thinks about it at least once a day.

5. Powers Boothe
Your mom had an affair with Emmy-winning actor Powers Boothe from 2008 to 2014. Remember all those weekend casino trips she'd take with her girlfriends? Those were all just cover stories. In actuality, your mom was getting plowed by Cy Tolliver from Deadwood at various bed and breakfasts all over the eastern seaboard. Though they agreed to break it off last year so they could recommit to their respective spouses, both knew deep down that the last time wouldn't really be the last time. There's a strong chance that, if your parents finally end up getting that divorce, Powers Boothe could be your new dad. How cool would that be?

6. James J. Hamilton
Yep. I totally banged your mom, dude. Sorry not sorry. Your mom and I first met when I asked to interview her for an article I was working on (then titled "Meet The 5 Men Your Mom Has Cheated On Your Dad With") and we just kinda hit it off. We had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and all of a sudden I'm straight up porking your mom hardcore in the back of her Dodge Grand Caravan in the parking lot of Applebee's. I'm not going to come right out and say it was the best sex your mom ever had, but if you really want to know, just ask her. Since that first time, we've been meeting up a couple times a week to bone. Deal with it.   

Thursday, May 14, 2015

My Cousin Ricky Proved There Are Exactly 666 Typos In The 9/11 Commission Report... Then He Vanished Under Mysterious Circumstances

By James J. Hamilton
Wake up sheeple! We are not free! We are living in under a totalitarian one-world government controlled by the Illuminati! 9/11 was an inside job!

My cousin Ricky proved it when he discovered that there are exactly 666 typos in the 9/11 Commission Report. 

666 is a sacred number for the Illuminati and the typos were put there deliberately to signal the truth about 9/11—that the attacks were planned by Illuminati members over cocktails at the Skull & Bones headquarters at Yale the day after the Supreme Court decision in Bush v. Gore was handed down. Having secured firm control over the highest levels of the United States government, the Illuminati's bigwigs got together and set in motion a plot to ignite an endless war that would enable them to take control of the Middle East's oil supply and increase surveillance over every aspect of our lives.

After the attacks, the 9/11 Commission Report was issued as the official version of what happened and, even though its "findings" are absurdly impossible lies, most people bought it hook, line, and sinker. 

Until now. Until my cousin Ricky uncovered the truth.

You may ask, "How can there possibly be 666 typos in the 9/11 Commission Report?" Good question. I asked Ricky the same thing when he first told me about it. The 9/11 Commission Report is an important government document that should've been proofread by a lot of people, right? There's no reason for there to be more than a couple typos in it—unless they were put there intentionally.
A close examination of the typos proves that not only were they intentional, but they contain encoded messages. To give just one example: The first three consecutive typos are "Nw York City" on page 6, "Wold Trade Center" on page 7, and "ordor" on page 11.  That's right. The first three misspelled words are New, World, and Order. Coincidence? I think not. 

You might say, "I'm looking at the 9/11 Commission Report right now and I'm not seeing any of these typos. What's the deal?" Well, your copy of the 9/11 Commission Report obviously isn't a First Edition. Before the 9/11 Commission Report was released to the public on July 22, 2004, a secret printing press at Skull & Bones printed 666 "First Edition" copies containing the symbolic typos. Those copies were distributed to high-ranking Illuminati members in a secret ceremony following a meeting of the Council on Foreign Relations. Ricky had a First Edition copy that he stole from the home of Neil Bush (George W. Bush's brother) in 2006 when he was there selling heroin to Neil Bush's daughter's boyfriend.

You may ask, "If Ricky had this First Edition since 2006, why haven't we heard about it until now?" That's easy. Ricky dropped out of school in fourth grade and didn't get his GED until late 2014. As soon as he learned to read, he went straight to work on the 9/11 Commission Report, toiling away on nights, weekends, and during his lunch break at Pep Boys to compile a definitive list of typos and decode their secret messages. Ricky dropped his bombshell on the world when he posted his findings on Facebook at 3:45 a.m. on March 25, 2015. 

And guess what? He hasn't been seen since. That's right. As soon as he went public with his information, he vanished without a trace. Coincidence? I think not.
Sure, Ricky's wife Tammy will tell you Ricky drove to Tampa to pick up a brick of heroin and never came back, but are you seriously going to believe a word Tammy says? 

First off, Tammy is a heroin addict who will do or say literally anything for heroin. At Ricky's bachelor party, she blew eight guys (including me) for one hit of heroin. With Ricky gone, where do you think Tammy is getting her heroin from? The answer is obvious: Every single day (except Sunday) at approximately 11:30 a.m., a federal agent comes to Tammy's house and puts heroin in her mailbox. Sheeple will tell you "That's just the mailman, you idiot," but sheeple are dumb enough to believe anything, up to and including the notion that human beings actually walked on the moon. C'mon, sheeple. Be better than that.

Clearly, Tammy has been bought off by the CIA (a subsidiary of the Illuminati) and is participating in a cover up. Don't believe me? Fine. Believe what you want, but last night I gave Tammy a hit of heroin and she admitted that she gets heroin from the federal government in the mail every day and that Ricky was abducted from their house by two CIA agents wearing Richard Nixon masks designed to hide their lizard faces. They broke in while Ricky and Tammy were shooting heroin (less than an hour after Ricky posted his findings on Facebook) and sucked up Ricky's body with a device disguised to look like a Dirt Devil Total Power Cyclonic Upright vacuum. The CIA Nixon lizards took Ricky's First Edition copy of the 9/11 Commission Report, gave Tammy a Burger King bag, then left in Ricky's truck. When Tammy opened the Burger King bag, she saw that it was full of heroin and contained a note written on a napkin that said "This never happened."    
Ricky's House: Site of CIA Abduction
Also, why would Ricky not come back from Tampa? It makes no sense. He hates hot weather. He hates the Tampa Bay Bucs. Everybody he sells heroin to is right here in our hometown. He loved it here. Ricky doesn't even know anybody in Tampa apart from Carlos, his Colombian cartel contact, and he doesn't even like the guy. He's always talking about how he doesn't trust Carlos, how he's afraid of him, how he's going to bring a gun when he meets Carlos even though he was specifically instructed to come unarmed. So you think he's just going to stay in Tampa without telling anybody and bunk up with his new best bud Carlos? Dump his perfectly good truck in a swamp and rely on Carlos for rides? Stop answering his phone and become a goddamn Bucs fan? Yeah right. That would never happen. Obviously it's the CIA Nixon lizard abduction thing. They put his truck in that swamp and arranged for it to be found by the cops, which was easy to pull off because the entire state of Florida is controlled by Jeb Bush. Classic CIA Nixon lizard tactics.

The simple fact is that Ricky is being held prisoner until he recants his findings. I'm not exactly sure where he's being held but realistically there are only three places he could be: Area 51, Fort Knox, or inside the Great Pyramid in Egypt. They won't let him go until he agrees to delete his Facebook post, swears allegiance to the Lizard Overlord of the Illuminati, and demonstrates his loyalty by donating $100 to Jeb Bush's presidential campaign. If I know Ricky like I think I do, he'll never submit to their demands and they'll end up killing him. The only way to stop that from happening is to spread the word by donating to my GoFundMe page Free Ricky/9-11 Truth/Moon Truth. You can either do something about this, or just go back to drinking the lizard cool-aid. The choice is yours.
WAKE UP TO THE TRUTH!

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Jeb Bush Changes Name To Jeb Smith

By James J. Hamilton
TALLAHASSEE—Jeb Bush, former Florida Governor and possible frontrunner for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, announced today during a speech to the Florida Chamber of Commerce that he has filed paperwork legally changing his name to Jeb Smith.

"I think everyone would agree we've had too many Bushes and Clintons in the White House," said Smith. "The country needs something different."

"We've never had a President Smith," said Smith's campaign manager, David Kochel. "Look it up. You'd think we would have, because it's such a common name, but we haven't. It's time to change that."

Political analysts say Smith's name change could be a preemptive strike against Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton, who inside sources claim has contemplated changing her name to Jane Smith. "Now Hillary's going to have to pick something else," said Fox News analyst Charles Krauthammer, "like Jane Miller."

"If I was Hillary I'd go with Jane Jones," said Rachel Maddow of MSNBC. "The alliteration will play well with younger voters."

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Mailing List Administrator Sent "You Are Now Unsubscribed" Email Just To Fuck With You

By James J. Hamilton
PALO ALTO—Jeff Simmons, administrator of the www.interwebs.com mailing list, received your "unsubscribe" request this afternoon and promptly sent you a "You Are Now Unsubcribed" email just to fuck with you, Simmons told reporters.

"We both know you unsubscribed because you don't want to receive any more emails from us," Simmons said. "So what could be funnier than immediately sending you another one? Sure, when you clicked 'unsubcribe' it took you to the 'Unsubscribe Successful' screen, so you already knew it went though and a confirmation email was completely unnecessary. But that's what makes it so hilarious."

"You've probably been getting our emails for awhile," Simmons said. "Obviously you never signed up for this shit, but at first you just ignored it. After one too many emails, though, you realized that they weren't going to stop and that you must be on some kind of stupid mailing list. Well, that 'stupid mailing list' is my job, you goddamn piece of shit." 

"I'm fully aware that you're at the height of your annoyance when you finally decide to take time out of your day to unsubscribe," Simmons said. "That's why it's such a perfect moment for me to send my little 'fuck you' your way. Whatever little beep or ding you hear when you get a new email, that's the sound of me letting you know you can eat a dick. That's right. Eat a fucking dick, asshole."

Monday, May 4, 2015

13 Racial Slurs Ad-libbed By Scarlett Johansson That Didn't Make The Final Cut Of "Avengers: Age Of Ultron"

By James J. Hamilton
While audiences are raving about the non-stop action and exciting new characters jam-packed into Avengers: Age Of Ultron, which opened in the U.S. this past weekend and has already made an estimated $627 million worldwide, rabid fans are also talking about what's not in the film, including deleted scenes featuring Thor's villainous brother Loki, the absence of a post-credits scene, and a reported subplot exploring Black Widow's virulent racism.

"If you read the comics the way I do," said Scarlett Johansson in an exclusive interview, "it's clear that Black Widow is a horrible racist." Johansson (who plays the Russian assassin) reported that, while there was nothing about Black Widow's racism in the script, she felt compelled to improvise repeated references to the character's irrational hatred of blacks, Jews, Arabs, Latinos, and Asians. "Obviously racism is awful and I don't condone it, but it's an important aspect of the character that I felt should be acknowledged. Despite my incessant lobbying, however, [director] Joss [Whedon] didn't think it belonged in the film. Needless to say I was disappointed but I'm still proud of my work."

1. "Nigger"
"When Black Widow sees a successful, confident black man like James Rhodes [played by Don Cheadle]," Johansson said, "she feels so threatened that she just has to demean him. It's ugly, but it really shows how insecure she is in her own skin. I thought it was great, but Joss made me do the scene again without the slur. Maybe there was some issue with the movie keeping a PG-13 rating. To me, that's a cop-out. Life isn't PG-13."  

2. "Heeb"
"Thinking about Ultron's plans for world domination, the obvious analogy Black Widow is going to make in her own mind is with the Jews," Johansson said. "That's why I thought it was appropriate for her to call Ultron a 'conniving metallic Heeb,' but Joss disagreed." 

3. "Camel Jockey"
"Ultron is essentially a terrorist," Johansson said, "and I don't think Black Widow would be able to resist the urge to say something like 'camel fucker' to him. Ultimately I went with 'camel jockey' because it's PG-13, but even that was apparently too much and it got cut." 

4. "Wetback"
"I know it's a comic book movie," Johansson said, "but it should still try to be as realistic as possible, right? There is simply no way Black Widow could go almost two and a half hours without saying 'wetback.'"

5-13. "Zipperhead" (9 times)
"Dr. Helen Cho [played by Claudia Kim] is a beautiful Asian woman, and she's a brilliant scientist," Johansson said. "Black Widow sees her as a romantic rival because Black Widow has feelings for Dr. Bruce Banner, who is also a scientist, and deep down she's worried Dr. Cho might be a better match for him. Predictably, she reacts to her feelings of inadequacy by fixating on Dr. Cho's race and lashing out at her, over and over again. I honestly can't believe this didn't make it into the movie. Cutting 'nigger,' I understand, but this? This really should've been in there."

When asked to comment on Johansson's ad-libs, Whedon said: "I don't know what any of that was about. Maybe Scarlett was on some medication and had taken too much, or maybe she needs to be put on some medication."

Johansson said she hasn't given up on getting a fully-developed depiction of Black Widow on film: "There's always Avengers 3. Thanos will definitely push a lot of her racist buttons." 

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Jury Spends Hours Deliberating Whether To Say "Not Guilty" First As A Joke Before Pronouncing Defendant Guilty

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—A jury of twelve citizens empaneled to decide the fate of a local man charged with murder reportedly spent several hours deliberating whether to say "Not Guilty" first as a joke before pronouncing the defendant guilty.

"Some of us thought it would be hilarious to announce the verdict as 'Not Guilty' and watch everyone freak out, then act like we just misspoke and confirm that the real verdict is 'Guilty,'" said Juror No. 2.

"We only needed about five minutes of deliberations to unanimously agree that the defendant was guilty. It was obvious," said Juror No. 11. "But right as we were about to go back into the courtroom, Juror No. 6 mentioned something about how funny it would be to see everyone's reactions if we said 'Not Guilty.' Some of us laughed. Then Juror No. 7 said we should seriously do it."

"It would've been the greatest prank ever," said Juror No. 7. "The prosecutors had a slam dunk case and did a great job presenting the evidence. How funny would it be to tell them they lost and watch them shit their pants? And the defendant—this guy killed his wife in cold blood. Letting him think he got away with it for a second before pulling the rug out from under him would've been epic. There were news cameras in the courtroom—the YouTube video would've gotten like a billion hits. I still think we should've done it."

The jury was reportedly deadlocked for over four hours before the jurors in favor of the joke finally relented. "Though many of us believed it would be funny," said Juror No. 2, "we eventually yielded to those who thought it would be mean to the victim's family."

"Buzzkills," added Juror No. 7.