Monday, August 11, 2014

A Few Good Jokes

A play in one scene by James J. Hamilton


PROSECUTOR: James J. Hamilton, did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JUDGE: You don’t have to answer that question.

JJH: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

PROSECUTOR: I think I’m entitled.

JJH: You want answers?

PROSECUTOR: I want the truth.

JJH: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we use a Facebook that has walls, and those walls have to be posted on by men with jokes. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, with your Buzzfeed links and Upworthy garbage? Reposting other people’s content without ever producing anything yourself? You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not having to do what I do. Of not having to create comedy, of sitting back with your nose turned up and passing judgment on those who do something you cannot possibly fathom. You can’t make anyone laugh, so you become a killjoy for everyone who doesn’t have the same stick up their ass as you do. But my comedy, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, makes people laugh. You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on your wall, you need me on your wall. We use words like “rape,” “abortion,” “retard.” We use these words as part of an art form that makes it a little easier for some people to bear the unbearable things in life. You use them as a cudgel to beat straw men. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who’s already closed his mind against a joke before he’s even heard it. I would rather you just kept your mouth shut, and read The Family Circus. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a microphone and do it yourself. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

PROSECUTOR: Did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JJH: I did the job that—

PROSECUTOR: Did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JJH: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

[JJH handcuffed and taken to jail]

Thursday, April 10, 2014

The Truth About Bigfoot

By James J. Hamilton
FACT: 

The Animal Planet show Finding Bigfoot is a conspiracy created by the Illuminati to make sure we DON’T find Bigfoot, and also to trick us into believing Bigfoots, Sasquatches, Yetis, and Abominable Snowmen are all the same thing, when in fact they are four different races that are AT WAR with each other.

OTHER FACTS:

Sasquatches are responsible for 9-11. 

Bigfoots invented LSD.

Abominable Snowmen sank the Titanic. Only 20% of the bodies of those who supposedly died were recovered, because the other 80% in fact did not die, but were kidnapped by Abominable Snowmen. Some were used in scientific experiments, but most were used to create a “Human Zoo” that still exists at the Abominable Snowman capital city in Antarctica.

In 1994, Yetis attacked Nancy Kerrigan and paid Tonya Harding one million Yeti dollars to take the fall for it.

STILL MORE FACTS:

In 2000, five hundred Sasquatches voted for George W. Bush in Broward County, Florida.

Bigfoots created global warming in an attempt to hurt the Abominable Snowman economy. Al Gore crusades against global warming because he is a pawn of Abominable Snowmen. He does whatever they tell him because they have threatened to expose the fact that he is an extraterrestrial being who crash-landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.

All of Miley Cyrus’s music is written by Yetis. Yetis also wrote her father’s hit song “Achy Breaky Heart.”
FALSE: Part of a smear campaign orchestrated by Abominable Snowmen
YET ANOTHER SET OF SHOCKING FACTS:

During the filming of the first season of the TV show Harry and the Hendersons, Kevin Peter Hall, the actor who played Harry, was murdered by a group of Sasquatches who felt his portrayal of the character was too realistic and suspected he had been contacted by a disgruntled Sasquatch who tipped him off on how they really act.  

In 1595, William Shakespeare got the idea for Romeo & Juliet from a Bigfoot who dosed him with LSD and told him the tragic story of a Bigfoot and Sasquatch who fell in love. Shakespeare thought the experience was a dream.

Abominable Snowmen hijacked Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. The people were used as new exhibits in the Abominable Snowmen’s Human Zoo and were considered exciting additions because all the other humans in the zoo had been born there (descended from Titanic passengers) and had never lived in the real world. 

Kim Kardashian’s sex tape was leaked by Yetis. Yetis are the secret executive producers of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

WAKE UP TO THE TRUTH!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Eli Manning Breaks Manning Family Record for Passing the Mashed Potatoes

By James J. Hamilton
NEW ORLEANS—Sources say Eli Manning set a new Manning family record for passing the mashed potatoes at a Christmas dinner in New Orleans this afternoon. The previous record had been set at a 1999 Thanksgiving dinner by Eli's brother Peyton, who three days ago broke the NFL record for the most touchdown passes in a season. "Eli was spreading the mashed potatoes all over the table," said father Archie. "He was making it look easy," said mother Olivia, who reportedly had two helpings of mashed potatoes served up by Eli.  "I've never seen anyone pass mashed potatoes like that," said brother Cooper. Peyton still holds Manning family records for passing gravy, stuffing, ham, turkey, corn, yams, rolls, green beans, and salad. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

Super Fool III Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

Featured HERE on www.pghcomedy.com (November 26, 2013)


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Sir Mix-a-Lot Charged With Perjury After Bombshell Allegation That He Lied About Liking Big Butts

By James J. Hamilton
SEATTLE—Rapper and music producer Sir Mix-a-Lot was arrested on charges of perjury yesterday after a police investigation allegedly revealed that he doesn't really like big butts and has been lying about it this whole time. Famous for his 1992 Grammy-winning, double platinum hit "Baby Got Back," Mix-a-Lot has made a career out of his professed affinity for "thick and juicy" posteriors, but police are now saying it was all an act and that Mix-a-Lot doesn't even like big butts. A criminal complaint filed against Mix-a-Lot alleges that he was observed at a Seattle night club flirting with two women who had "flat butts" and was unresponsive to the advances of an undercover female officer who police described as having a "motor in the back of her Honda." The rapper was also allegedly caught on a security tape saying "I'm really more of a boob man."

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Starz Cancels "Magic City" After Realizing Its Lead Actor Is Not Javier Bardem

By James J. Hamilton
Javier Bardem (left) and impostor Jeffrey Dean Morgan (right) 
LOS ANGELES—Premium cable network Starz announced the cancellation of its original drama series Magic City after two seasons, apparently after realizing that the series' lead actor is not in fact Oscar-winner Javier Bardem, but rather the nearly identical-looking but far less talented Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

The story of a hotel owner who makes a deal with a mob boss in 1959 Miami, Magic City featured what everyone thought was just a lazy, phoned-in performance by Bardem, but it turns out it was actually a completely different guy.
  
"What? You mean that's not Javier Bardem? You're shitting me," said Starz CEO Chris Albrecht, moments before canceling the series. "But I visited the set. I talked to the guy. I called him Javier. He never corrected me. I feel so stupid."

Series creator Mitch Glazer reportedly realized that his lead actor was not Bardem sometime during the filming of season one, but didn't say anything because he wanted the show to get picked up for a second season.

"I told him his performance in No Country For Old Men gave me nightmares," said Albrecht. "He just said 'Thanks.' I can't fucking believe this."

Monday, August 5, 2013

Local Couple Arrested In Salad Bar Fraud Sting

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—A local married couple was arrested on charges of fraud this weekend in an FBI sting operation at the Eat'n Park restaurant in Robinson Township. Herman and Julia Swanson, both 65, were having an uneventful dinner at Eat'n Park, like they do every Sunday, when their table was suddenly swarmed by federal agents who handcuffed them and took them away in unmarked black SUVs. 

At a Monday morning press conference, FBI Special Agent Dennis Manning told reporters that the Swansons' arrest was the culmination of a months-long investigation by the FBI's Western Pennsylvania Salad Bar Fraud Task Force. 

"Every Sunday for the past several months," Manning said, "the Swansons would arrive at the Eat'n Park restaurant at approximately 4:30 p.m. and would be seated at the same table in the southwest corner of the restaurant. On each occasion, Julia would order the rosemary chicken with sides of coleslaw and mashed potatoes. Herman would order the mile-high meatloaf and the salad bar. Herman would then proceed to obtain items from the salad bar and give them to Julia—soup, macaroni salad, cottage cheese, etc.—even though Julia had not ordered the salad bar."

Legal analysts say the Swansons, who have no prior criminal record, could face a maximum of 15 years imprisonment in a federal penitentiary and fines of up to $250,000.

"We're living in a society," Manning said. "The salad bar is all you can eat, not all everyone in your family can eat. That's chaos."

Manning confirmed that he spent months working undercover as an Eat'n Park waiter in order to help bring the Swansons to justice. "I'm just glad it's all over and I can go back to my family," he said.