Wednesday, November 26, 2014

A One-Act Erotic Play Adapted from Zooey Deschanel's iPhone Commercial

By James J. Hamilton

This will make more sense if you watch the original 30 second commercial first

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ZOOEY, a famous actress
SIRI, a robot that lives in Zooey's phone
JAMES, a tomato soup delivery boy

Setting: Zooey's House

SCENE ONE

ZOOEY
Is that rain?

SIRI
Yes, it appears to be raining.

ZOOEY
Oh.

Zooey looks out the window, contemplating the unfathomable loneliness of her existence.

ZOOEY
Let's get tomato soup delivered.

SIRI
I found a number of restaurants whose reviews mention tomato soup and that deliver.

ZOOEY
Good, 'cause I don't want to put on real shoes.

Zooey notices that her house, like her life, is a total mess.

ZOOEY
Remind me to clean up... tomorrow.

SIRI
Okay, I'll remind you.

ZOOEY
Excellent. Today, we're dancing. Play "Shake, Rattle & Roll."

Siri plays "Shake, Rattle & Roll."  Zooey dances.


SCENE TWO

The doorbell rings.  Zooey answers it.  James is standing in the rain with tomato soup.

JAMES
Tomato soup delivery.

ZOOEY
Come inside, it's pouring out there.

JAMES
Okay.

James steps inside the door and hands Zooey the tomato soup.

ZOOEY
Oh my, you're soaking wet! You should probably take off those clothes.

JAMES
What?

An awkward silence.

ZOOEY
Wanna bang?

JAMES
Okay.

They bang.  He finishes on her back.

ZOOEY
(to Siri) Is that rain?

SIRI
No, it appears to be semen.

ZOOEY  
Oh. Remind me to order tomato soup again tomorrow.

SIRI
Okay, I'll remind you.

FINIS


For those brave souls who made all the way to the end of this ridiculous transcription of my elaborate jerk-off fantasy...

BONUS CONTENT

Two pieces of unrelated, non-sexual humor I made from the same commercial (obviously I was very taken with this commercial):

Siri is not as good as advertised.
"Make your own goddamn tomato soup." - Old timey phone

Monday, November 24, 2014

Super Fool IV Recap

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

My recap of the fourth annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game is featured HERE on PGHcomedy.com

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Super Fool IV Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

My preview of the fourth annual Pittsburgh comedians' flag football game is featured HERE on PGHcomedy.com

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween

By James J. Hamilton

I was at an open mic last night (October 30th) and some people were dressed up in Halloween costumes. I haven't dressed up in years, and when I did it was always just a lazy-ass "Hamlet" costume (it involves wearing all black like I usually do anyway and carrying around a plastic skull). A comic talked about the Halloween tradition of pranking people, of toilet-papering houses and shit. I've never done anything like that, unless you count that one time I destroyed a neighbor's pumpkins with a medieval ball and chain because they had been left out for weeks after Halloween and I was sick of looking at them. So I thought, I should prank somebody on Halloween tomorrow. I should TP a house or something, just for the fuck of it. I just turned thirty, but that doesn't mean I have to be dead inside all the time. I can still cut loose and have fun, right?

But then I thought, it wouldn't be very fun to TP some random person's house. I don't know anybody who lives in my neighborhood. I'm not just going to fuck with somebody for no reason. That wouldn't be fun for me. I need an enemy. I wish I had an enemy I could take revenge on. But I thought, there's no way I'm going to make an enemy in the next 24 hours, so forget about it.

I was wrong. When I got home from the open mic at about 11:45 p.m., some asshole was parked in my spot. I live in an apartment building where everyone has their own assigned spot. The spots are numbered with your apartment number and no one else is allowed to park there. I've had people park in my spot several times and I get really pissed when it happens. I get so pissed that I've adopted a policy regarding people parking in my spot: If I get home at night and there's someone in my spot, I'll go ahead and park on the street. But if the car is still in my spot when I wake up in the morning, I will key that car. I've never had to execute this policy yet because no one has stayed in my spot until morning, but I swear to Jesus H.W. Christ I will do it.

So when I see this asshole in my spot, I get pissed and I'm thinking, okay motherfucker, you better hope you're not still there when I get up because I will fucking key your ratty-ass Mitsubishi Lancer into oblivion. I went ahead and parked on the street like some kind of goddamn animal, but I'm so mad I'm actually hoping they're still there in the morning because I really want to key this car. I want to prove to myself that I'm serious about my car-keying policy. I took the long way around the building so I could stand next to the car and stew in rage. I was so serious that I left a note for myself to read in the morning:
So I'm all geared up to key this car in the morning when I see the clock says 11:50. It's about to be Halloween in ten minutes, and I remembered what I was thinking earlier about wanting an enemy to prank. This is it. The gods of Halloween (Satan?) have granted my wish. Now is my chance. 

When the clock strikes midnight, I'm going to egg this car.

Don't fuck with me on Halloween. I'm an adult. I'm on a low-carb diet. I have a shitload of eggs.

So I egged the car, 100% sober, by myself. I'm thirty years old and not only did I egg the shit out of this car, I set up a Sony Handycam on a tripod and filmed myself egging the shit out of this car.


Happy Halloween. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Heckler Gets The Royal Treatment

By James J. Hamilton
Last night I was talking about Kate Middleton's vagina onstage and referred to it as "a princess's vagina." An audience member interrupted and said I was incorrect to say that because Kate is a duchess, not a princess. I was well aware that she is a duchess but I wasn't prepared to discuss authoritatively whether she is also a princess and thus I couldn't dispute the audience member's criticism. After my performance, however, I researched the issue and have determined that my reference was in fact not incorrect. While there was controversy at the time of Kate's marriage as to whether she was a princess, spokesmen for the royal family have confirmed that Kate is entitled to use the rank of her husband and is therefore "Princess William of Wales." Though calling her "Princess Catherine" would be incorrect, referring to her generically as "the princess" is okay. In fact, her occupation was listed as "Princess of the United Kingdom" on her son's official birth certificate. With the royal family's stamp of approval, then, Kate's vagina may properly be termed "a princess's vagina." Therefore, my reference is, as Shakespeare might say, "well ratified by law and heraldry." Heckler, you've been served.

Monday, August 11, 2014

A Few Good Jokes

A play in one scene by James J. Hamilton


PROSECUTOR: James J. Hamilton, did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JUDGE: You don’t have to answer that question.

JJH: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

PROSECUTOR: I think I’m entitled.

JJH: You want answers?

PROSECUTOR: I want the truth.

JJH: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we use a Facebook that has walls, and those walls have to be posted on by men with jokes. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, with your Buzzfeed links and Upworthy garbage? Reposting other people’s content without ever producing anything yourself? You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not having to do what I do. Of not having to create comedy, of sitting back with your nose turned up and passing judgment on those who do something you cannot possibly fathom. You can’t make anyone laugh, so you become a killjoy for everyone who doesn’t have the same stick up their ass as you do. But my comedy, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, makes people laugh. You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on your wall, you need me on your wall. We use words like “rape,” “abortion,” “retard.” We use these words as part of an art form that makes it a little easier for some people to bear the unbearable things in life. You use them as a cudgel to beat straw men. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who’s already closed his mind against a joke before he’s even heard it. I would rather you just kept your mouth shut, and read The Family Circus. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a microphone and do it yourself. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

PROSECUTOR: Did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JJH: I did the job that—

PROSECUTOR: Did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JJH: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

[JJH handcuffed and taken to jail]