Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Super Fool IV Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

Featured HERE on PGHcomedy.com

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween

By James J. Hamilton

I was at an open mic last night (October 30th) and some people were dressed up in Halloween costumes. I haven't dressed up in years, and when I did it was always just a lazy-ass "Hamlet" costume (it involves wearing all black like I usually do anyway and carrying around a plastic skull). A comic talked about the Halloween tradition of pranking people, of toilet-papering houses and shit. I've never done anything like that, unless you count that one time I destroyed a neighbor's pumpkins with a medieval ball and chain because they had been left out for weeks after Halloween and I was sick of looking at them. So I thought, I should prank somebody on Halloween tomorrow. I should TP a house or something, just for the fuck of it. I just turned thirty, but that doesn't mean I have to be dead inside all the time. I can still cut loose and have fun, right?

But then I thought, it wouldn't be very fun to TP some random person's house. I don't know anybody who lives in my neighborhood. I'm not just going to fuck with somebody for no reason. That wouldn't be fun for me. I need an enemy. I wish I had an enemy I could take revenge on. But I thought, there's no way I'm going to make an enemy in the next 24 hours, so forget about it.

I was wrong. When I got home from the open mic at about 11:45 p.m., some asshole was parked in my spot. I live in an apartment building where everyone has their own assigned spot. The spots are numbered with your apartment number and no one else is allowed to park there. I've had people park in my spot several times and I get really pissed when it happens. I get so pissed that I've adopted a policy regarding people parking in my spot: If I get home at night and there's someone in my spot, I'll go ahead and park on the street. But if the car is still in my spot when I wake up in the morning, I will key that car. I've never had to execute this policy yet because no one has stayed in my spot until morning, but I swear to Jesus H.W. Christ I will do it.

So when I see this asshole in my spot, I get pissed and I'm thinking, okay motherfucker, you better hope you're not still there when I get up because I will fucking key your ratty-ass Mitsubishi Lancer into oblivion. I went ahead and parked on the street like some kind of goddamn animal, but I'm so mad I'm actually hoping they're still there in the morning because I really want to key this car. I want to prove to myself that I'm serious about my car-keying policy. I took the long way around the building so I could stand next to the car and stew in rage. I was so serious that I left a note for myself to read in the morning:
So I'm all geared up to key this car in the morning when I see the clock says 11:50. It's about to be Halloween in ten minutes, and I remembered what I was thinking earlier about wanting an enemy to prank. This is it. The gods of Halloween (Satan?) have granted my wish. Now is my chance. 

When the clock strikes midnight, I'm going to egg this car.

Don't fuck with me on Halloween. I'm an adult. I'm on a low-carb diet. I have a shitload of eggs.

So I egged the car, 100% sober, by myself. I'm thirty years old and not only did I egg the shit out of this car, I set up a Sony Handycam on a tripod and filmed myself egging the shit out of this car.


Happy Halloween. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

A Heckler Gets The Royal Treatment

By James J. Hamilton
Last night I was talking about Kate Middleton's vagina onstage and referred to it as "a princess's vagina." An audience member interrupted and said I was incorrect to say that because Kate is a duchess, not a princess. I was well aware that she is a duchess but I wasn't prepared to discuss authoritatively whether she is also a princess and thus I couldn't dispute the audience member's criticism. After my performance, however, I researched the issue and have determined that my reference was in fact not incorrect. While there was controversy at the time of Kate's marriage as to whether she was a princess, spokesmen for the royal family have confirmed that Kate is entitled to use the rank of her husband and is therefore "Princess William of Wales." Though calling her "Princess Catherine" would be incorrect, referring to her generically as "the princess" is okay. In fact, her occupation was listed as "Princess of the United Kingdom" on her son's official birth certificate. With the royal family's stamp of approval, then, Kate's vagina may properly be termed "a princess's vagina." Therefore, my reference is, as Shakespeare might say, "well ratified by law and heraldry." Heckler, you've been served.

Monday, August 11, 2014

A Few Good Jokes

A play in one scene by James J. Hamilton


PROSECUTOR: James J. Hamilton, did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JUDGE: You don’t have to answer that question.

JJH: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

PROSECUTOR: I think I’m entitled.

JJH: You want answers?

PROSECUTOR: I want the truth.

JJH: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we use a Facebook that has walls, and those walls have to be posted on by men with jokes. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, with your Buzzfeed links and Upworthy garbage? Reposting other people’s content without ever producing anything yourself? You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not having to do what I do. Of not having to create comedy, of sitting back with your nose turned up and passing judgment on those who do something you cannot possibly fathom. You can’t make anyone laugh, so you become a killjoy for everyone who doesn’t have the same stick up their ass as you do. But my comedy, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, makes people laugh. You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on your wall, you need me on your wall. We use words like “rape,” “abortion,” “retard.” We use these words as part of an art form that makes it a little easier for some people to bear the unbearable things in life. You use them as a cudgel to beat straw men. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who’s already closed his mind against a joke before he’s even heard it. I would rather you just kept your mouth shut, and read The Family Circus. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a microphone and do it yourself. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

PROSECUTOR: Did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JJH: I did the job that—

PROSECUTOR: Did you post a personalized rape joke contest?

JJH: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

[JJH handcuffed and taken to jail]

Thursday, April 10, 2014

The Truth About Bigfoot

By James J. Hamilton
FACT: 

The Animal Planet show Finding Bigfoot is a conspiracy created by the Illuminati to make sure we DON’T find Bigfoot, and also to trick us into believing Bigfoots, Sasquatches, Yetis, and Abominable Snowmen are all the same thing, when in fact they are four different races that are AT WAR with each other.

OTHER FACTS:

Sasquatches are responsible for 9-11. 

Bigfoots invented LSD.

Abominable Snowmen sank the Titanic. Only 20% of the bodies of those who supposedly died were recovered, because the other 80% in fact did not die, but were kidnapped by Abominable Snowmen. Some were used in scientific experiments, but most were used to create a “Human Zoo” that still exists at the Abominable Snowman capital city in Antarctica.

In 1994, Yetis attacked Nancy Kerrigan and paid Tonya Harding one million Yeti dollars to take the fall for it.

STILL MORE FACTS:

In 2000, five hundred Sasquatches voted for George W. Bush in Broward County, Florida.

Bigfoots created global warming in an attempt to hurt the Abominable Snowman economy. Al Gore crusades against global warming because he is a pawn of Abominable Snowmen. He does whatever they tell him because they have threatened to expose the fact that he is an extraterrestrial being who crash-landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.

All of Miley Cyrus’s music is written by Yetis. Yetis also wrote her father’s hit song “Achy Breaky Heart.”
FALSE: Part of a smear campaign orchestrated by Abominable Snowmen
YET ANOTHER SET OF SHOCKING FACTS:

During the filming of the first season of the TV show Harry and the Hendersons, Kevin Peter Hall, the actor who played Harry, was murdered by a group of Sasquatches who felt his portrayal of the character was too realistic and suspected he had been contacted by a disgruntled Sasquatch who tipped him off on how they really act.  

In 1595, William Shakespeare got the idea for Romeo & Juliet from a Bigfoot who dosed him with LSD and told him the tragic story of a Bigfoot and Sasquatch who fell in love. Shakespeare thought the experience was a dream.

Abominable Snowmen hijacked Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. The people were used as new exhibits in the Abominable Snowmen’s Human Zoo and were considered exciting additions because all the other humans in the zoo had been born there (descended from Titanic passengers) and had never lived in the real world. 

Kim Kardashian’s sex tape was leaked by Yetis. Yetis are the secret executive producers of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

WAKE UP TO THE TRUTH!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Eli Manning Breaks Manning Family Record for Passing the Mashed Potatoes

By James J. Hamilton
NEW ORLEANS—Sources say Eli Manning set a new Manning family record for passing the mashed potatoes at a Christmas dinner in New Orleans this afternoon. The previous record had been set at a 1999 Thanksgiving dinner by Eli's brother Peyton, who three days ago broke the NFL record for the most touchdown passes in a season. "Eli was spreading the mashed potatoes all over the table," said father Archie. "He was making it look easy," said mother Olivia, who reportedly had two helpings of mashed potatoes served up by Eli.  "I've never seen anyone pass mashed potatoes like that," said brother Cooper. Peyton still holds Manning family records for passing gravy, stuffing, ham, turkey, corn, yams, rolls, green beans, and salad. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

Super Fool III Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

Featured HERE on www.pghcomedy.com (November 26, 2013)