Thursday, April 10, 2014

The Truth About Bigfoot

By James J. Hamilton
FACT: 

The Animal Planet show Finding Bigfoot is a conspiracy created by the Illuminati to make sure we DON’T find Bigfoot, and also to trick us into believing Bigfoots, Sasquatches, Yetis, and Abominable Snowmen are all the same thing, when in fact they are four different races that are AT WAR with each other.

OTHER FACTS:

Sasquatches are responsible for 9-11. 

Bigfoots invented LSD.

Abominable Snowmen sank the Titanic. Only 20% of the bodies of those who supposedly died were recovered, because the other 80% in fact did not die, but were kidnapped by Abominable Snowmen. Some were used in scientific experiments, but most were used to create a “Human Zoo” that still exists at the Abominable Snowman capital city in Antarctica.

In 1994, Yetis attacked Nancy Kerrigan and paid Tonya Harding one million Yeti dollars to take the fall for it.

STILL MORE FACTS:

In 2000, five hundred Sasquatches voted for George W. Bush in Broward County, Florida.

Bigfoots created global warming in an attempt to hurt the Abominable Snowman economy. Al Gore crusades against global warming because he is a pawn of Abominable Snowmen. He does whatever they tell him because they have threatened to expose the fact that he is an extraterrestrial being who crash-landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.

All of Miley Cyrus’s music is written by Yetis. Yetis also wrote her father’s hit song “Achy Breaky Heart.”
FALSE: Part of a smear campaign orchestrated by Abominable Snowmen
YET ANOTHER SET OF SHOCKING FACTS:

During the filming of the first season of the TV show Harry and the Hendersons, Kevin Peter Hall, the actor who played Harry, was murdered by a group of Sasquatches who felt his portrayal of the character was too realistic and suspected he had been contacted by a disgruntled Sasquatch who tipped him off on how they really act.  

In 1595, William Shakespeare got the idea for Romeo & Juliet from a Bigfoot who dosed him with LSD and told him the tragic story of a Bigfoot and Sasquatch who fell in love. Shakespeare thought the experience was a dream.

Abominable Snowmen hijacked Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. The people were used as new exhibits in the Abominable Snowmen’s Human Zoo and were considered exciting additions because all the other humans in the zoo had been born there (descended from Titanic passengers) and had never lived in the real world. 

Kim Kardashian’s sex tape was leaked by Yetis. Yetis are the secret executive producers of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

WAKE UP TO THE TRUTH!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Eli Manning Breaks Manning Family Record for Passing the Mashed Potatoes

By James J. Hamilton
NEW ORLEANS—Sources say Eli Manning set a new Manning family record for passing the mashed potatoes at a Christmas dinner in New Orleans this afternoon. The previous record had been set at a 1999 Thanksgiving dinner by Eli's brother Peyton, who three days ago broke the NFL record for the most touchdown passes in a season. "Eli was spreading the mashed potatoes all over the table," said father Archie. "He was making it look easy," said mother Olivia, who reportedly had two helpings of mashed potatoes served up by Eli.  "I've never seen anyone pass mashed potatoes like that," said brother Cooper. Peyton still holds Manning family records for passing gravy, stuffing, ham, turkey, corn, yams, rolls, green beans, and salad. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

Super Fool III Preview

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer)

Featured HERE on www.pghcomedy.com (November 26, 2013)


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Sir Mix-a-Lot Charged With Perjury After Bombshell Allegation That He Lied About Liking Big Butts

By James J. Hamilton
SEATTLE—Rapper and music producer Sir Mix-a-Lot was arrested on charges of perjury yesterday after a police investigation allegedly revealed that he doesn't really like big butts and has been lying about it this whole time. Famous for his 1992 Grammy-winning, double platinum hit "Baby Got Back," Mix-a-Lot has made a career out of his professed affinity for "thick and juicy" posteriors, but police are now saying it was all an act and that Mix-a-Lot doesn't even like big butts. A criminal complaint filed against Mix-a-Lot alleges that he was observed at a Seattle night club flirting with two women who had "flat butts" and was unresponsive to the advances of an undercover female officer who police described as having a "motor in the back of her Honda." The rapper was also allegedly caught on a security tape saying "I'm really more of a boob man."

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Starz Cancels "Magic City" After Realizing Its Lead Actor Is Not Javier Bardem

By James J. Hamilton
Javier Bardem (left) and impostor Jeffrey Dean Morgan (right) 
LOS ANGELES—Premium cable network Starz announced the cancellation of its original drama series Magic City after two seasons, apparently after realizing that the series' lead actor is not in fact Oscar-winner Javier Bardem, but rather the nearly identical-looking but far less talented Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

The story of a hotel owner who makes a deal with a mob boss in 1959 Miami, Magic City featured what everyone thought was just a lazy, phoned-in performance by Bardem, but it turns out it was actually a completely different guy.
  
"What? You mean that's not Javier Bardem? You're shitting me," said Starz CEO Chris Albrecht, moments before canceling the series. "But I visited the set. I talked to the guy. I called him Javier. He never corrected me. I feel so stupid."

Series creator Mitch Glazer reportedly realized that his lead actor was not Bardem sometime during the filming of season one, but didn't say anything because he wanted the show to get picked up for a second season.

"I told him his performance in No Country For Old Men gave me nightmares," said Albrecht. "He just said 'Thanks.' I can't fucking believe this."

Monday, August 5, 2013

Local Couple Arrested In Salad Bar Fraud Sting

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—A local married couple was arrested on charges of fraud this weekend in an FBI sting operation at the Eat'n Park restaurant in Robinson Township. Herman and Julia Swanson, both 65, were having an uneventful dinner at Eat'n Park, like they do every Sunday, when their table was suddenly swarmed by federal agents who handcuffed them and took them away in unmarked black SUVs. 

At a Monday morning press conference, FBI Special Agent Dennis Manning told reporters that the Swansons' arrest was the culmination of a months-long investigation by the FBI's Western Pennsylvania Salad Bar Fraud Task Force. 

"Every Sunday for the past several months," Manning said, "the Swansons would arrive at the Eat'n Park restaurant at approximately 4:30 p.m. and would be seated at the same table in the southwest corner of the restaurant. On each occasion, Julia would order the rosemary chicken with sides of coleslaw and mashed potatoes. Herman would order the mile-high meatloaf and the salad bar. Herman would then proceed to obtain items from the salad bar and give them to Julia—soup, macaroni salad, cottage cheese, etc.—even though Julia had not ordered the salad bar."

Legal analysts say the Swansons, who have no prior criminal record, could face a maximum of 15 years imprisonment in a federal penitentiary and fines of up to $250,000.

"We're living in a society," Manning said. "The salad bar is all you can eat, not all everyone in your family can eat. That's chaos."

Manning confirmed that he spent months working undercover as an Eat'n Park waiter in order to help bring the Swansons to justice. "I'm just glad it's all over and I can go back to my family," he said.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Local High School Senior Aspires To Be Unknown Session Guitarist

By James J. Hamilton

PITTSBURGH—Local high school senior Steve Weir recently announced plans to pursue a career as an unknown session guitarist. Weir, who has played guitar for five years and is a member of both the school jazz band and a heavy metal band called Skank, told friends and family this week that he hopes to parlay his impressive musical ability into a stable career laying down competent, anonymous guitar tracks in exchange for a steady income.  

Session musicians, the unsung journeymen of the music industry, are typically used by recording studios to provide (often uncredited) backing tracks for other artists and recordings for advertising, film, and television.

"I just want to make a living in music," Weir said. "Rather than chase the pipe dream of becoming a rock star and ending up working at McDonald's for the rest of my life, I figure I can prepare myself to enter a marketplace where a bunch of different people will pay me to play guitar." In pursuit of this goal, Weir will attend Duquesne University next fall, where he plans to double major in music performance and business management. His parents are reportedly very proud of him.

Weir's announcement came as a shock to best friend and Skank lead singer Craig Nash, who sources say honestly expects Skank to "take over the world" and embark on a stadium tour complete with wild parties and backstage antics that will "make Led Zeppelin look like a church choir." Nash's parents refused to say whether they were proud of their son, but confirmed that he was devastated when Weir told him becoming a famous rock star was "fun to think about" but "not realistic," and that he didn't join Skank to get famous but to hone his skills and gain experience working with other musicians.

Skank drummer Dave Kolb, who joined the band to impress Sally Wilson, and bassist Adam Dupree, who uses band practice as an excuse to smoke weed in Nash's parents' garage, said Weir is "an incredible guitar player" but also "a buzzkill."

Weir outlined plans to develop strong, long-term working relationships with multiple recording studios. He cited the example of Chris Spedding, a versatile and highly respected British session guitarist who worked with thousands of artists during his long career, including Elton John and Paul McCartney. Weir's plans were dismissed as "giving up" by Nash, whose idol Jim Morrison died in a bathtub at age 27 and who says his life's goal is to have sex with more than one woman at the same time.

Weir's high school music teacher, Allen Gill, said Weir is a "dedicated and talented musician" and is "making smart decisions about his future." Guidance counselor Nick Brewster agreed with Gill and added his opinion that "Craig Nash will probably be smoking weed in his parents' garage for the next 40 years." Brewster later claimed he wanted his comment about Nash's drug use to be off the record, but no takesies backsies.