Monday, February 2, 2015

Super Scandal: Patriots Used Baseballs In Fourth Quarter

By James J. Hamilton
GLENDALE, AZ—The New England Patriots overcame a 10-point fourth quarter deficit to defeat the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX last night, but controversy is swirling amid allegations that the Patriots used baseballs in the fourth quarter. While NFL rules clearly require footballs, an unnamed source close to the Patriots organization claims that quarterback Tom Brady prefers baseballs, which are easier to grip and throw. Footage of the game-winning touchdown suggests that not only did Brady throw a baseball, but wide receiver Julian Edelman used a baseball glove to catch it. Brady and Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick both denied any involvement in or knowledge of the switch from footballs to baseballs. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the incident is under investigation.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Your Cute Baby Contest Is Bullshit

By James J. Hamilton
​Asking your Facebook friends to vote for your baby in a cute baby contest is bullshit. 

Cute baby contests shouldn't be decided by how many Facebook friends the moms have, but by how objectively cute the babies are. Cute baby contests have absolutely no integrity these days. It's disgusting.

When someone I know posts on Facebook asking me to vote for their baby in a cute baby contest, I actually scroll through all the available babies and vote for the one that's legitimately the cutest. 

I'm not going to vote for your baby just because I know you. 

Believe me, I wouldn't be doing your baby any favors by helping it win a cute baby contest it doesn't deserve to win. 

If you just hand your baby a bullshit cute baby contest victory and let it walk around thinking it's hot shit, your baby's going to grow up with an inflated ego and a huge sense of entitlement. It's not going to want to work for anything. Is that what you want? 

If your baby had more people like me in its life—not pulling any punches, keeping it real, giving your baby some straight talk about how it looks like shit—maybe your baby would lay off the Happy Meals and start hitting the gym once in awhile. Then maybe by the time the Miss Junior Teen America pageant rolls around, the kid will be rocking a hard body and will be able to win something on merit.

Some of these cute baby contests dangle big prizes in your face, like $25K for the baby's college fund. You don't need that shit. If you don't encourage your baby to think it'll be able to coast through life being handed things because of its looks, it'll work hard in school and get academic scholarships. And it'll also work hard in college because it'll appreciate what it took to get there. Eighteen years from now, you know all these kids going to college on their cute baby contest winnings are just going to flunk out freshman year. They're going to party the whole time, do tons of drugs, and bang anyone who calls them cute. Is that what you want?

I didn't vote for your baby because I don't want it to grow up to be a stupid, drug-addled whore. You're welcome.  

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Black Swan 2

By James J. Hamilton
Black Swan was released four years ago today. I love this movie and it has played a huge role in my life. As a comedian, I was writing jokes about it before I'd even seen it. When I saw it for the first time, the screen faded to white at the end and I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat with my mouth gaping open. I went to see it again the very next day. In the intervening years I have watched it many times and it has never relinquished its hold on me.

Though you wouldn't have guessed it from my classic, overly-graphic masturbation joke, my obsession with Black Swan does not stem from the Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis lesbian sex scene (which is very nice though).

I relate to the movie because, among other things, it mirrors my artistic struggle. I need to stop being just a white swan and find my inner black swan. I have to be able "to dance both." That's a hard fucking job: "Perfection is not just about control. It's also about letting go. Surprise yourself so you can surprise the audience. Transcendence. Very few have it in them."


I had the craziest dream last night...


*James has the greatest set in comedy history*

*Walks offstage, collapses*

*People rush to his aid, notice he is bleeding profusely from the stomach*

"I felt it. Perfect. I was perfect."


*Fade to white* 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Local Man Doesn't Know Whether To "Like" Friend's Facebook Status Announcing Grandmother's Death

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—Local software programmer Jake Stanton reported feelings of crippling uncertainty earlier this morning when faced with the decision whether or not to "like" a friend's Facebook status announcing the friend's grandmother's death.

Stanton was browsing Facebook at work around 9:00 AM this morning when his friend and former college roommate David Peterson posted a status revealing that his grandmother had just passed away following a bout with cancer. All of a sudden, Stanton found himself in a quandary.

"I definitely don't 'like' that his grandma died," said Stanton. "I mean, I'm not happy about it or anything. But I do want to 'like' the idea of extending Dave my condolences in this difficult time." However, Stanton questioned how a "like" would be perceived in this situation: "I'm just worried it's going to come across as 'YOUR GRANDMA DIED? LOL NICE!'" 

The nature of his relationship with Peterson reportedly made Stanton even more unsure. "I don't know. Dave and I aren't really that close anymore. We haven't kept up much since college." Stanton stated that he had never met Peterson's grandmother and didn't even know she was sick, but quickly added: "To be clear: I wish she hadn't died. Although Dave said her pain was over now and she was in a better place, so maybe it's a good thing she died? I'm so confused."

At press time, Stanton said he was leaning toward liking the status but planned to wait until later in the day and see how many other people liked it before making a final decision. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Hamilton's Unfamiliar Quotations

By James J. Hamilton
Barlett's Familiar Quotations is a classic reference work that is the longest-lived and most widely distributed collection of quotations. Not wanting to be outdone by John "Look How Many Quotes I Compiled" Barlett, I've started my own collection of lesser-known quotations that are destined to become part of our cultural identity:

"Let them jump out of cake." - Marie Antoinette on rebellious strippers

"Time flies when you're halving fun." - Buzzkills

"Veni, vici." - Blind Julius Caesar

"If you can't handle me at my worst of times, you don't deserve me at my best of times." - Charles Dickens as a 19 year old girl

"Never a bridesmaid, always the bride." - Elizabeth Taylor

"I'm taking my talents to South Beach." - Cuban refugee fleeing Castro's oppression on a raft to Florida

"I'm taking my talents back to a gross Lake Erie beach." - LeBron James on returning to the Cavaliers

"Punt, pass, and kick? More like cunt, ass, and dick." - Vile twelve year old who sucks at punting, passing, and kicking

"Most people who are against gay rights don't even know any actual gay people." - Gun control advocate who's never held a gun

"Most people who want gun control have never even held a gun." - Gay marriage opponent who's never met a gay person
"Show me the Monet!" - Jerry Maguire to art museum tour guide

"It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission." - Date rapists

"Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is white, and so are you." - KKK Valentine's Day Card

"Columbine was fucking awesome!" - Columbine High School class of 2014 referencing the fun, fulfilling experiences they had in high school

"It's Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, not Louis XVI and Mario Antoinette." - French homophobes (1770-1793)

"It's Napoleon and Josephine, not Napoleon and Joseph." - French homophobes (1796-1810)
"Put the lotion in the fucking basket!" - Impatient Bath & Body Works manager training a new employee on how to restock the products

"Do you BELIEVE in love after life?" - Necrophiliac remix of that Cher song

"I'm not a hipster." - Hipsters

"Ax not what your country can do for you, ax what you can for your country." - White trash JFK

"Mace Windu? More like Toby-Wan Kenobi." - White supremacist upset that a black Jedi has such a prominent role on the Jedi Council

"What recession?" - Strippers
"Polls are for strippers." - Sarah Palin, just before making it rain on confused Gallup employees

"When will I be ready for that jelly?" - Beyonce's kid, sick of eating peanut butter sandwiches

"Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be fellated" - Blowey Ramone

"When is the winter of our discontent? Now? Really? Like, right now? Shit." - Richard III realizing he's late

"It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno." - plot of the world's most disappointing porno

"She said yes and!" - improv engagement announcement

"In all honesty, I only did about half of it for the nookie." - bombshell from Fred Durst's memoirs
"Alrighty then alrighty then alrighty then." - Matthew McConaughey as Ace Ventura

"That's what I love about Dorian Grey, man. I get older, he stays the same age." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused in an Oscar Wilde novel

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get younger, they stay the same age." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused as Benjamin Button

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. They stay the same age because time is a flat circle." - Matthew McConaughey from Dazed & Confused as Matthew McConaughey from True Detective

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Movie Filming Outside Local Man's Apartment Building Presents Unique Opportunity to See How Movies are Made and to Shoot Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson with a Hunting Rifle

By James J. Hamilton
PITTSBURGH—Local landscaper and part-time Lyft driver Stephen Gilchrist reported feelings of excitement yesterday as a new big-budget action movie filming outside his apartment building presented him with the unique opportunity to observe how movies are really made and, if he felt like it, to shoot actor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson with the Remington pump-action 30-06 hunting rifle he keeps in his closet. 

"I never thought I would get to see how a real Hollywood movie set worked, much less hold The Rock's life in the palm of my hand like a candle I could blow out at any moment," Gilchrist said. "It was awesome. When I opened my window, I heard the director yell 'cut,' saw the actors milling around on the set between takes, and realized that I could easily put a bullet in The Rock's head from here if I wanted." 

"I would never actually do that," he added. "That's messed up. I love The Rock. I'm just saying I could."

Gilchrist said he didn't know what the movie was about but that he would definitely go see it when it comes out. "It'll be so cool to go to the movies and see the place where I live," he said. "I saw some places I know in Pittsburgh in The Dark Knight Rises and Jack Reacher, but I bet it'll be even cooler to see my own apartment building up on the big screen and be the only person in the theater to know that those same frames of film stock that captured the take that ended up being used in the movie could’ve been the very frames to hold the images of The Rock’s skull exploding, had I chosen that path for him."

Gilchrist also observed Dwayne Johnson's co-star Nicole Kidman on the set, which reportedly led to one of the most satisfying masturbation sessions of his life. "I've masturbated to Nicole Kidman before," he said. "She was naked in Eyes Wide Shut. Very hot. But this was different. Somehow it was so much hotter knowing I literally had the power to murder her at the time and that she was only still alive because I allowed it." 

Monday, December 1, 2014

How to Spontaneously Crowdsource a Fake Fred Durst Memoir

By James J. Hamilton, Ben Kenny, and Zach Funk

Follow Ben Kenny (@benkennysays) and Zach Funk (@FunkedPOV) on Twitter. You never know when a Kid Rock memoir might pop up out of nowhere.